Leading Her Introvert Way: Conversations about executive leadership, career growth, business and mindset for mid-life Black women.

89: When They Say "Be Grateful" But Your Black Introvert Career Dreams Are Bigger

• Nicole Bryan • Episode 89

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Balancing family expectations with leadership ambitions can be challenging for introverted Black women, especially when we become the "family success story" and financial safety net. Family messages like "be grateful for what you have" often limit our growth, creating tension between our love for family and our career goals.

Listen for the 4-step strategy to honor family while pursuing your leadership career.   

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* Reserve your seat today for for a free training on July 26th: "From Invisible to Invincible: Strategies for Black Introvert Women to Get Executive Promotions in Five Months or Less." 



Speaker 1:

Hi, lady Leader, and welcome to this week's episode of the Leading Her Introvert Way podcast. I'm Dr Nicole Bryan and I help introverted Black women get promoted to senior leadership without becoming addicted to work. Listen, I am super excited about everything right now. I literally just finished dancing by myself in my kitchen and I'm excited. I am feeling good about life overall, and it might just happen to be because my birthday is coming up. So by the time you listen to this episode, my birthday will be a couple of days away.

Speaker 1:

I am a July baby and I am a true Cancer in awe of my glory, and summertime is. I honestly don't enjoy the heat that comes with summertime, but I enjoy the vibe that comes with summertime. It's just something about being more carefree. The longer days give you more opportunity to do different things. I like being outside in nature. I just feel good when it's summertime and so, because it's also the season of my birthday, it just makes it extra special. So I am riding high today and I have been riding high probably for the past couple of weeks and in a true introvert nature.

Speaker 1:

I am celebrating my birthday this year solo, and you know it's so funny because I have a great community around me. I have tons of good friends, family, lots of loved ones, people who care about me and vice versa, but probably since I was in my mid-20s, I have preferred to spend my birthday by myself, and I usually like to go someplace and just self-reflect. I don't even like to pick up the phone on my birthday, which, as you can imagine, is really hard for most people to understand, even some other introverts, because they are thinking you know, I just want to connect with you, I want to wish you a happy birthday, I want to hear your voice, I want to celebrate you today and I am usually like I want all that, but if you could just leave me a voice message, I'll pick it up afterwards, because on my actual birthday I want to be somewhere by myself, usually close to a body of water of some kind a lake, a river, the ocean and just being in tune with my own thoughts and just letting the day be fluid and letting myself just be. That's where I'm at peace. So I am definitely doing that again this year, but this year I am doing a solo hike, so I've recently taken up hiking. I've always loved to walk. You know, being raised in Brooklyn, new York. That's all we did is walk right. We walked anywhere we needed to go. So walking has always been my thing. But I've recently, like I said, taken up hiking, where I am going into woods or going on a path or going someplace with a specific reason, the specific intent to hike, and I absolutely, absolutely love it. So this year I am taking a solo drive down to North Carolina and I am going on a couple of hikes over the course of three or four days, and they're all to places of beauty. So there are some beautiful rock formations. I'm going to get to see some nature preserves that I'm going to get to visit. I'm also going to be seeing some waterfalls, so I'm really, really, really excited about it. So I am grateful to be here and kicking off my birthday celebrations with you, and I'll definitely keep you posted. Afterwards I will share how the solo trip went.

Speaker 1:

But for today's podcast episode, I wanted to talk about, or share, a personal story which I think you can actually relate to. I think you can actually relate to. Before I do that, I also wanted to say that I am going to be hosting a webinar on July 26th at 10 am Eastern Standard Time, and the webinar is going to be focused on strategies for Black, introverted women who want to get promoted to the executive level in five months or less. Get promoted to the executive level in five months or less. So if that is you and you are finally ready to do everything that you need to do to get to the senior leadership levels of your current organization or the next organization that you decide to grace your skills and talent with, then definitely join us on July 26th. The link will be in the show notes and if you can't catch it there, it'll be on my LinkedIn page, and if you can't catch it there, it'll be in my weekly emails that you get on Sunday. Okay, all right. So, with that said, I wanted to kick off our conversation with a personal story, and I definitely think it's going to be a story that you can actually relate to, because so many of us have found ourselves in this situation, and you know it's not an easy one to navigate.

Speaker 1:

I remember the day that my aunt told me that I should be grateful for having my good job, and it was when I mentioned that I wanted a promotion and, frankly, to be honest, her words they hit me like a brick. At that time. She didn't mean to hurt me, but what she said definitely had an impact. See, what my aunt couldn't understand was that I wasn't being ungrateful. I was actually being smart. I wanted to build generational wealth, not just to pay the bills that I had at the time, but I wanted executive income so I could help my family without it hurting my own financial stability.

Speaker 1:

Now I think this is really important conversation because many of us we are either first generation here in the United States or, if we're not first generation, we may be second or third generation, but coming from families that were working class, or are working class, or blue collar, or however you want to describe it, but didn't necessarily make a lot of money to be able to sustain different kinds of lifestyles. So for me, as you probably already know, my family came from Barbados, so my families have been immigrants, and that's just not. My parents, but everybody except for me, right, were originally from Barbados, and so when I have extended family who are looking at me in a way that is different, so I'm a part of the family, but in sometimes feels like you're not really part of the family, right, because you're straddling American culture and you're straddling the culture of your family, which for me was Barbados. So when my aunt said that to me, I knew where she was coming from, but I also knew that it was hard for her to understand the context and the world in which I was trying to operate, to operate. So that conversation, it taught me why so many of us keep our career ambitions, our leadership ambitions, a secret and why that silence is costing us more than just career advancement. So if you've ever felt torn between loving your family and pursuing your leadership dreams or your career dreams, then this episode is for you, because here's what I learned, and I learned it the hard way, but you don't have to choose.

Speaker 1:

So let's start with some real talk. When you're the first in your family to go to college, to get that good corporate job, you automatically become the family success story. And with that title comes a weight that nobody prepared you for. You become the person everyone calls when they need advice. You become the person everyone calls when they need money, when they need someone to co-sign something. And while you love your family and you want to help, there's this pressure that comes with being the designated successful one. Here's what's happening psychologically, and, yes, I'm about to get a little nerdy on you, but stick with me because this will help you understand why your family reacts the way that they do.

Speaker 1:

Families operate like systems. Think of it like a mobile hanging above a baby's crib when one piece moves dramatically, the whole thing gets thrown off balance. Your success, especially when it exceeds what your family thought was even possible, can disrupt their sense of balance. So they love you and they feel threatened by your growth. At the same time, they brag about you to their friends right and to other family members, and they try to keep you contained in other ways. It's not personal, even though it actually feels personal.

Speaker 1:

Now let me tell you about the three most common family messages that hold us back from pursuing executive leadership or senior leadership. First, it's the you should be grateful Translation. Don't want more than what we think you deserve. They're not trying to limit you on purpose, but their comfort zone, what they know and what they've experienced themselves. That is what they try to put on you as a ceiling. The second most common family message don't get too big for your britches Translation. Your success makes us uncomfortable about our own choices when you achieve more than they did, even though sometimes they say and they actually are really, really, really happy for you. It can trigger feelings about the opportunities that they didn't have, or opportunities that they had but they didn't take. And the third most common family message is money doesn't buy happiness. Translation we're scared you're going to leave us behind. They worry that if you get too successful, you'll forget where you came from. But here's what I want you to understand their fear of change doesn't mean that change is wrong. Their discomfort with your growth doesn't mean you should stop growing.

Speaker 1:

Now let's talk about the elephant in the room, which is money. Of course, if you are anything like I was, you're already the person everyone calls when they need financial help right, and you want to help because you love them. So, for example, I remember when I was working for Citibank and I was probably I mean, I might've been 25, 26 at the time and I was making decent money nowhere near what I ultimately would want to make, but I was making decent money. And when I say decent, it was definitely already way above what each of my parents made individually, and they had already been working in their careers for what? 30 years at that time. So I was making more than them and I was making more than them combined, and so I definitely, if I think about it right now, I was definitely the highest individual earner in my immediate family and my extended family, and I remember at the time, unfortunately, my grandmother passed away.

Speaker 1:

She passed away unexpectedly and it was a big heartbreak for all of us, but my grandma didn't have life insurance and without life insurance you have to pay out of pocket for all the financial expenses that come with someone passing Funeral costs, headstone, if the person's going to be cremated, all of those costs have to be paid for by someone. And so when she didn't have life insurance, we, the family, had to incur the costs. But at the time no one in my family had any type of discretionary income. Everyone was living paycheck to paycheck. So here I was, her youngest grandchild, and I had to pay for her funeral because, frankly, I was the only one who could afford it and all the adults around me couldn't right. So personally, I would say that that was a good thing. I was very, very grateful at that time to be able to be in a position where I could afford to bury my grandmother with dignity, but I also recognized that there were at least 25 other adults around me in my family who could not afford to do that. Right, I was grateful to be able to step up, but I also recognized that these same adults were also critical of me, right? Sometimes they were very supportive in terms of hey, we are really proud that you've accomplished everything that you have accomplished so far in life.

Speaker 1:

The other voice that they would lend it was the opposite. Like you have a good job, stay where you are, be grateful for what you already have accomplished. Now I tell you that story because you might be in a position right now where you want to make more money. You want to have a senior leader income or an executive income so you can do all the things that you want to do for yourself and so you can help without hurting your own financial stability. But you can't tell your family that you can't tell them about your salary goals, because then they'll either expect even more or they may think differently about you. The time of my grandmother passing, I remember I wanted to make a case so I could help my family comfortably while still building my own wealth. But I couldn't have that conversation with anybody in my family because they would think that I was being greedy. They say, nicole, you already make more than the rest of us. What more do you need? But they couldn't see what I saw. I wasn't trying to get rich for my ego. I was trying to get rich so that I could serve better.

Speaker 1:

Here's the psychology behind this guilt that you might be feeling. There's something called survivor's guilt, right, which I'm sure you've heard of, and it's about feeling bad for having more than the people you love. Then there's imposter syndrome, which is thinking you don't deserve more money. And then, finally, there's people pleasing, which I am confident you probably know more about that than you want to. But that's all about saying yes to financial requests, even when it hurts your own stability, even when you know you are likely not going to get the money back that you might be lending your family members. All of these feelings are normal, but they don't have to control your decisions.

Speaker 1:

The hidden cost of being everyone's financial safety net while having your own secret leadership ambitions. It's exhaustion. You're carrying the weight of their immediate needs and your long-term dreams and you can't talk to anyone about either one. Okay, so what do you do when you find yourself in that situation? How do you honor your love for your family and wanting to give them and make sure they have everything that they need and more and pursue the senior leadership role you secretly dream about.

Speaker 1:

All right, let me answer that question by sharing the four-step strategy that changed everything for me. Step one was separating my comfort from my calling, right, and so step one for you will be separating their comfort from your calling, and so step one for you will be separating their comfort from your calling. Your family's comfort with your current level of success is not a ceiling for your potential. I had to learn that just because my family thought I'd made it didn't mean I actually had made it and that I had to stop there. Your calling to senior leadership doesn't require their understanding, but it does require your commitment.

Speaker 1:

Step two would be reframing your why. So, instead of saying I want to make more money, try. I want to build generational wealth for our family. Instead of I want a promotion, you could try. I want to create opportunities for people who look like me. You could try. I want to create opportunities for people who look like me. When you connect your ambitions to your desire to serve, which they already are, it becomes harder for anyone to call them selfish. It becomes harder for other people to be critical of what you're trying to accomplish, because they can easily see that it is about you, yes, but it is also about your desire to have a broader impact.

Speaker 1:

Step three is about setting financial boundaries with love. Now, when I talk to my clients, they always want to set financial boundaries with their family members. Hell, some of my clients want and need to set financial boundaries with their kids, but they find it difficult to identify the right words. They want to make sure that what they say, how they say it, the tone it's not misinterpreted. So here's a script that's always worked for me. I love helping you and I want to be able to do it without stress. I'm working toward increasing my own income so I can help more comfortably, but for now, I need to set some boundaries so I can be financially healthy too. If I give to you, then I will likely not be able to meet my own financial needs. As soon as I'm able to do that, I will give to you. So that's the script in total that you can use, or any portion of that that works for your specific situation. I also created a monthly family support budget and I say yes to that budget and learn to say no to everything else. This isn't mean or this isn't me kind of blocking what my family members want and what they need, but it's me being sustainable, it's me being healthy with my finances, it's me being responsible for the short-term and for the long-term.

Speaker 1:

And step four is find your leadership ambition support system. Stop expecting your family to understand your corporate dreams. They haven't lived that life, they've likely not been exposed to it directly and it's not their job. Their job is to love you and they're doing that the best way that they know how. But you need to connect with other ambitious Black women who get it. Keep your leadership goals between you and people who actually support them. This might mean joining professional groups or finding a mentor or working with a coach who understands the unique challenges we face as Black introverted women with big dreams. Or it could mean finding friends who actually support you. But I will caution you there to be very careful. There are friends who will always be in your corner, no matter what you do, no matter who you ultimately become. They are going to be happy for you and everything that you achieve. But there are going to be some friends who, unfortunately, will be jealous of your success, and so you need to be able to distinguish between the two.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so here's what I want you to know you do not have to choose between loving your family and pursuing your leadership career. These aren't opposites. Your success creates more resources to serve your family, not less. Building wealth helps your entire family's future, not just yours. There's another psychology term called differentiation. It's the ability to be yourself while staying connected to the people that you love. Healthy families support each other's growth, even when that growth looks different from their own path. Your leadership ambitions aren't selfish. They are strategic, and they are strategic love in action.

Speaker 1:

When I finally got comfortable with this truth, everything changed for me. I stopped apologizing for my dreams and I stopped shrinking to make others comfortable. And you know what happened my family finally adjusted. They're extremely proud of me now, even though they don't fully understand what I do. I will constantly hear them bragging to other people, which always makes my heart warm. I also know that they know that I have their back when it comes to any issue or challenge that they might run into, and if they need financial support. Right, they may not see me as that constant ATM machine that they once saw me as, but they also know that if I have it, I will give it.

Speaker 1:

So here's your big sister truth for today, your family's comfort and your current success is not the ceiling for your potential. You can honor your love for them and pursue the executive leadership role you secretly dream about, and so here's what I want you to do this week. I want you to write down three ways that your leadership success would actually benefit your family better than staying where you are today. Get clear on how your ambition is actually love in action toward your family and toward your friends. And if you're ready to stop choosing between your family life and your leadership ambitions, I'm hosting a free training on July 26th, like I mentioned at the top of the episode.

Speaker 1:

The training is called From Invisible to Invincible Strategies for Black Introvert Women to Get Executive Promotions in Five Months or Less. The link is in the show notes. Make sure you click it and reserve your seat today. And remember your ambition doesn't need anybody else's permission not your mom's permission, not your dad's permission, not your partner's permission, not your husband's permission, not your children's permission, and it definitely don't need your cousin's permissions. Right? All it needs is your strategy.

Speaker 1:

I'll talk to you next week, lady leader, and until then keep leading your introvert way. That's a wrap for this episode of Leading Her Way. Thanks for tuning in. If you have thoughts, questions or ideas for future topics, connect and send me a message on LinkedIn, and if you enjoyed today's episode, subscribe. And please take a minute to write a quick review on Apple Podcasts. Your review will help spread the word to other ambitious females so they know they're not alone and that this podcast is a community of support for all of us leading her way to the top. Remember your leadership is needed. Your leadership is powerful, so lead boldly Until next time.