Leading Her Introvert Way: Conversations about executive leadership, career growth, business and mindset for mid-life Black women.

93: How to Manage Your Boss as a Black Introvert Woman

• Nicole Bryan • Episode 93

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Managing your boss effectively isn't just a nice-to-have skill—it's essential for career advancement, especially for Black women navigating corporate environments. Ever found yourself frustrated, thinking your boss is blocking your promotion or doesn't recognize your potential? You're not alone.

The truth is your boss isn't the problem; how you're approaching that relationship might be. Using my powerful 3A Model, I explain how every boss falls into one of three categories.  And once you identify which one you're dealing with, everything changes.


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*Did you miss the July 26th workshop: From Invisible To Invincible: Strategies for Black Introvert Women To Get Their Executive Promotion in 5 Months or Less?  DM me "Replay" on LinkedIn to get 72 hour access to the replay (limited time offer).

Speaker 1:

Hey, lady Leader, okay, before we jump into today's topic of the episode, I just have a real quick announcement. If you were not able to participate in our July 26 workshop for whatever reason you weren't able to sign up, you didn't know it was happening, you had a conflict then I have good news for you. We have and are making the replay available for the next 72 hours. If you missed it and you're interested in hearing all of the presentation and getting all of the promotion strategies that we talked about and getting access to the workbook that we use, even though you actually physically were not able to be there live, then go to the show notes right now, click the link sign up and we will email the presentation to you. Again, it's only gonna be available for 72 hours. I've never done this before. I'm doing it now because so many of you reached out and said hey, I really wanted to be there but I couldn't. So I'm making this available for the next 72 hours. Don't miss the chance to get the information that you need to get your next promotion. Okay, so, with that said, welcome back to Leading Her Introvert Way. I'm your host, dr Nicole Bryan, and girl, do we need to talk today.

Speaker 1:

Now, I know you're probably listening while you're either getting ready for work or maybe you're on your lunch break thinking about the conversation that you need to have with your boss. Either way, you are in the right place at the right time. So, listen, I put a poll up yesterday on LinkedIn asking you guys about your biggest career frustration right now, and, honey, the responses came flooding in Over and over. I kept seeing the same thing my boss is blocking my promotion. My boss doesn't see my potential. I think my boss is jealous of me. Sis, can I tell you something? I used to think the same thing. I used to lie awake at night wondering if my boss was sabotaging my career. But here's what I also learned and what I want you to understand today your boss, no matter who they are and how they show up, they're not the problem how you're approaching that relationship, that's the problem. Now, before we dive in, you know how I do.

Speaker 1:

I'm always going to talk about some quick psychology and, as human beings, our brains are wired to look for threats. It's called the negativity bias. Back in the day, this bias is what kept us alive. It kept us from being eaten by lions and tigers, et cetera, right. But now, today, it makes us assume the worst about people's intentions. When your boss doesn't respond to your email right away, your brain is probably whispering. She's ignoring you on purpose. When he doesn't invite you to that meeting, you think he doesn't value my input. But what if that's not the real story? Or maybe it's the real story, but it's not the whole story.

Speaker 1:

Here's the truth that I want you to write down. Your boss is one of three A's. They're either an advocate for you, they're an ally for you or they're an asshole. That's what I said. Right, they're either an advocate, an ally or an asshole. And once you figure out which one you're dealing with, everything changes, because the strategy for each one is completely different. For each one is completely different.

Speaker 1:

Now, believe it or not, this is a model that I use with my clients, right, it's called the 3A model, and the reason why I used it I even had to come up with this model and this framework is because there hasn't been a person that I've had the pleasure of working with and coaching and mentoring who doesn't have this thought about their boss, even when the relationship with their boss is good. Right, I have a client right now who has a really good relationship with her boss, a really good relationship with her boss, but she wants to make that relationship great. Totally makes sense if you think about it, because our bosses are the ones who we interact with all the time, no matter what level of the organization you're in. Maybe you don't even speak to your boss every day, or even every other day, or even once a week, because you're at a level of leadership where you have more autonomy, or maybe you have God forbid one of those bosses who, no matter what leadership level you're at, they feel the need to micromanage. So you're hearing from them not just daily, but multiple times a day, from them not just daily, but multiple times a day. It really doesn't matter what level of the organization you're at, but the relationship that you have with your boss usually will determine the behavior. Right, what's going to be exchanged between you two?

Speaker 1:

The truth is that I have seen chiefs, ones who report directly to the CEO. Even they often struggle with that boss relationship, because if the communication isn't there, if the trust isn't there, sometimes it's personality issues which you should not necessarily have to try to control. You can't change the personality of your boss, but what you can do is figure out how to manage that relationship and how to manage your boss. One of the things that I say to my clients all the time is part of your responsibility as a leader right, part of your responsibility to your career, part of the responsibility to your own team the people who directly report into you is to make sure that you do everything in your power to smooth the path ahead, to protect them. The path ahead to protect them, to make sure that they and you have all the resources that you need to get your jobs done as effectively and as efficiently as possible. And, yes, that often means making sure that your relationship with your boss is solid, that your relationship with your boss is one in which you can leverage. So when I say that your boss is one of three A's, that is the paradigm that I use with my clients so that we can figure out which category their boss falls into and, therefore, what approach we will be using to make sure that they are proactively managing that relationship and getting what they need out of it, learned on your own.

Speaker 1:

Your boss has the ability to make your day-to-day great or to make your day-to-day suck, and the reason why they have, that is because they are in your sphere, like they are the person, or one of a few people who you are interacting with all of the time, right? And so when you think about your team, yes, you are, those are the people that you're interacting with day to day, multiple times a day, but then when you look up, it is also your boss. Your boss is an extension of your team, extension of your team. One of three A's, right? One of three A's, okay. So, with that said, what I want to do is I want to walk through each of the A's so we can start to think about which one applies to your boss.

Speaker 1:

So let's start with the good news. If your boss is an advocate, then, listen, you have hit the jackpot. This person, the advocate, is actively fighting for you behind closed doors. They're bringing up your name in promotion discussions. They're opening doors you didn't even know existed. But here's where a lot of us mess up. We don't give our advocates the ammunition that they need to fight for us. Listen to me carefully now. If your boss is advocating for you, but you've never told them exactly what you want, you're not helping them. You're not helping them to help you.

Speaker 1:

Here's what you need to do. First, you need to get crystal clear on your next move. Don't just say to them I want to be promoted, say I want to move into the senior marketing manager role in the next 12 months. Be specific. Second, share your timeline. When do you want this to happen? Your advocate needs to know, so that they can position you at the right time. Third, tell them what kind of work excites you, what projects make you come alive. Your advocate can steer opportunities your way. But here's the key, and this is where our introvert nature can trip us up. You have to speak up. I know it's uncomfortable, I know you'd rather just do the good work and hope they notice you. But advocates need information to work with. And, girl, if someone is out here fighting for your career, you better reciprocate. Ask them how can I support you? Ask your boss what are you working on that I can help you with? This isn't about doing extra work for free, but it is about building a relationship that benefits both of you. That works both ways. Okay Now, if your boss is an ally, they're in your corner, but they're not necessarily fighting your battles.

Speaker 1:

Think of them like that supportive friend who listens to you vent but doesn't call your ex to tell them about themselves, or maybe doesn't even offer you advice. They basically absorb what you are talking about and they are there to support you. Allies make your day-to-day easier. They give you flexibility when you need it. They back you up when someone questions your decisions. They might not be advocating for your promotion or your raise, but they're not standing in your way either.

Speaker 1:

If you have an ally, boss, here's your strategy. First, appreciate what they do give you. Don't underestimate the value of having someone who makes your work life smoother and I know you know what I'm talking about. If you've had a bad boss or a horrible boss, then you know having a ally is a good thing. Second, gradually build them into an advocate. How Well you can start sharing your career goals. You can bring up your achievements during your one-on-ones and you can ask for their advice on your career path. Third, be the employee that makes their job easier too. Allies appreciate reliability and initiative. The beautiful thing about allies is they often want to help more. They just don't know how, and so they need direction from you.

Speaker 1:

Now let's talk about the challenging one, the difficult one, the asshole. Okay so, the asshole boss and yes, I said what I said Some bosses are just difficult people. Maybe they're insecure, maybe they're overwhelmed, maybe they never learned how to manage people properly. But here's what I want you to understand this behavior, their bad behavior, it's not your responsibility to fix. You are not their therapist, you are not their life coach and you don't own their attitude. However and this is important you can still influence this relationship and protect your career. What I see so many of us Black introverts doing when we encounter a bad boss is that we turn ourselves off right. We somehow think that if we minimize how much we have to engage with them, then that's going to make our life easier, when in fact, it's making our life even harder. So when you have an asshole boss, you still have to deal with them. You still have to manage them.

Speaker 1:

Here's your asshole boss survival strategy. First, figure out what the hell they're actually good at. Now, I know it's hard to see past their terrible people skills, but everybody has strengths. Are they technically brilliant? Do they have strong relationships with their peers at the senior leadership level? Are they good at getting results? What is it that they're really, really good at? Second, once you figure out what they're actually good at acknowledge those strengths publicly. I'm not saying to be fake. Don't go out there trying to fake it. I'm saying to find something that you can really respect about their work and mention it, acknowledge it. This is not about kissing up, but it is about humanizing yourself to them. Just because they don't have the emotional intelligence to connect with you doesn't mean that you don't have the emotional intelligence to connect with them. Third thing you're going to do and this is crucial don't depend on them for your career advancement.

Speaker 1:

If your boss is an asshole, you need to build relationships with other leaders. You need other advocates and other allies in different departments, because you don't want to bank your career in this company on a boss who you don't like and maybe you don't respect. What is most important here is that you want to make sure that your boss is not the only vehicle to senior leadership. Your boss is not the only path to the career that you want inside this company, and God forbid that they try to block you for whatever reason. Right, they may naturally be an obstacle because you have to report into them, but if they are proactively trying to block you, that's even more reason for you to have good, strong working relationships with other leaders and other departments, because if your boss isn't able to be your ally or an advocate for you, those other leaders in other departments can, and they can put the pressure on your boss. They are the ones who are going to be speaking up for you behind closed doors. They will be the ones to counteract any and all negativity that comes from your boss.

Speaker 1:

Remember, psychology tells us that difficult people often act out because they feel threatened or insecure. That doesn't excuse their behavior, but it does explain it. Sometimes the best thing you can do is make them feel less threatened by you while you quietly build your network elsewhere. Here's what I want you to understand about all of this you have more power than you think, even if you have a sucky boss. When we tell ourselves my boss is blocking my promotion, we are literally giving away our power. We make our career success dependent on one person's mood or their opinion, but when we reframe it as I just need to adjust my strategy based on the type of boss that I currently have suddenly we're back in control. This is especially important for us Black women in corporate spaces, because we often face unique challenges. We have to deal with unconscious bias. We got to deal with microaggressions. We got to deal with being passed over for opportunities. But here's the thing understanding your boss's type helps you navigate these challenges more strategically. If you have an advocate boss, you can leverage that relationship to overcome some of those systemic barriers. If you have an ally boss, you can gradually educate them about your experiences and build understanding. And if you have an asshole boss, you can protect yourself by building a strong network that doesn't depend on them.

Speaker 1:

So here's what I want you to do this week. On Monday, I want you to honestly assess which type of boss you have. Is he an advocate, or is he or she an ally, or is he or she an asshole? On Tuesday, if they're an advocate or an ally, I want you to schedule a conversation about your career goals. You can even do it in your next one-on-one, as long as you make room for that conversation and it's not overpowered by all of the tasks and project work that you got to talk about. You have to set aside specific time and energy to have the conversation about your career goals. Now, if they're an asshole, identify one strength that you can genuinely acknowledge and talk about in your next one-on-one. On Wednesday, I want you to start building at least one new relationship with a leader outside your direct reporting line, and then on Thursday, I want you to write down your wins from the week. Your advocate needs ammunition right, your ally needs to see your value and you need evidence of your impact, regardless of your boss's type.

Speaker 1:

One of my clients actually started documenting every other week. She meets with her boss every other week and then every alternate week when she's not meeting with her boss. What we've decided that she would do is she would write up a summary email on Friday morning about everything that she and her team accomplished and send it to him. That way, the conversation about her work continues even when they don't have FaceTime, and she makes herself top of mind for him even when they don't have FaceTime, and she's doing it in a way that is comfortable for her. She feels strongly that she's a better writer than she is a conversationalist, because she feels like she kind of gets uncomfortable and you know she gets a little awkward when they're meeting face-to-face, so writing it up is a better way for her to communicate. You can do the same thing Document your wins from the week and send it to your boss, who can use it to advocate for you and use it to be your ally. And then, on Friday, what I want you to do is I want you to reflect on how this reframe changes your energy at work for the week and how you approach your work, because it will make a shift.

Speaker 1:

Opinion of you does not define your worth or your potential. Whether they're an advocate, whether they're an ally or whether they are an asshole. You are still freaking brilliant. You are still absolutely capable and you are still destined for more senior leader positions. The difference is now you have a strategy that matches your reality, instead of hoping your reality will change.

Speaker 1:

Remember, the future of leadership is introverted and it is female. You do not have to change who you are to succeed. You just need to work smarter with the people around you. Okay, until next time, lady leader. You just need to work smarter with the people around you. Okay, until next time, lady leader. Keep leading your introvert way. That's a wrap for this episode of Leading Her Way. Thanks for tuning in. If you have thoughts, questions or ideas for future topics, connect and send me a message on LinkedIn, and if you enjoyed today's episode, subscribe. And please take a minute to write a quick review on apple podcast. Your review will help spread the word to other ambitious females so they know they're not alone and that this podcast is a community of support for all of us leading her way to the top. Remember your leadership is needed, your leadership is powerful, so lead boldly. Until next time.