Leading Her Introvert Way: Conversations about executive leadership, career growth, business and mindset for mid-life Black women.

108: Introvert vs Social Anxiety: The Difference Black Women Leaders Need to Know

• Nicole Bryan • Episode 108

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In this conversation, Dr. Nicole emphasizes the importance of embracing one's unique leadership style, whether you are an introvert or dealing with social anxiety. She explains what introversion versus social anxiety is, how to determine which impacts how you show up as a leader, and strategies to lead  effectively navigating with either or both. 

Links mentioned in episode:

Leading Her Introvert Way Episode 100

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SPEAKER_00:

Okay, lady leader, let me ask you something. Do you avoid networking events because you're an introvert who needs alone time to recharge? Or do you avoid them because you're anxious about what people will think of you? Here's the thing: those are two very different reasons. But we often confuse them. And if you're a Black woman leader, understanding the difference isn't just about self-awareness, it is about your career advancement. Today we're going to break down what introversion is and what is not. We're going to explain what social anxiety is and how it shows up. We're going to talk about why so many introverts also struggle with social anxiety and why that combo hits black women leaders especially hard. I'm going to give you clear signs to help you figure out which one you're dealing with. And most importantly, we're going to share practical strategies for leading effectively, whether you're dealing with one or both. This might be one of the most important episodes for your leadership journey. Now, I do have a quick announcement before we get to the meat of today's episode. And it is that I am going to be speaking at a HR mentorship summit. It's actually a summit that's being hosted by one of my great friends and colleagues, La Chanique Plummer. And you may be familiar with that name because La Chanique was on this podcast on episode 100, right? When we were celebrating the 100th episode of the Leading Her Introvert Way podcast. La Sanique actually interviewed me. And if you missed that episode, it was a good one. So you might want to go back and check it out. La Shanique is very, very committed to mentoring HR professionals. And so am I. So I am going to be speaking at the summit, and my topic is managing up, right? Why it is so important for you as a leader not only to know about managing up, but to master that skill set. But the great thing about the HR Summit is that two things. One, it is completely free of charge. It's a virtual summit happening on November 17th and 18th. And the second is that it is dedicated to HR professionals, whether you are transitioning into the HR field or are already in the HR field and mastering the skill sets that you need to pivot or get promoted or simply build and become a better HR professional. If this sounds like something you're interested in, then go to the show notes, click the link, and get on the list. And in the meantime, we're going to move forward with today's episode. Okay, so first let's talk about what it means to be an introvert, because there's a lot of misconceptions out there. In fact, I was talking I was recently having a conversation with two separate people, two separate occasions. One was with my friend Chris, who I've been friends with since I was before 13. I think I met him when I was 11 or 12. And another was with a prospective client. And both of those individuals didn't realize that they were introverts, which I find very, very interesting. I can see how that is, but I also recognize that there are clear indications of being introverted, which we've talked about here on this podcast, but that so many people make it into adulthood without really understanding what introversion is and is not. So that's one of the reasons why we're going to be breaking it down. So shout out to both of those individuals because they inspired today's episode. Okay, so we're going to talk about what it means to be an introvert. Introversion is about energy. So introverts recharge by being alone. Extroverts recharge by being around other people. It's not that you hate people or you can't socialize, it's that socializing, even fun socializing, drains your battery. And you need quiet time to refill it. It's pretty simple. You can think of it like your phone. Extroverts charge by plugging into other people. Introverts charge by completely unplugging. But here's what introversion is not, right? It is not shyness, it's not antisocial behavior, it's not fear of people, it is not a weakness or something to fix. You can be a confident, successful, charismatic leader and be an introvert. Those things aren't opposites, and many people confuse them. Research shows that introverts have more activity in their prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that handles deep thinking and planning. Extroverts have more activity in areas related to reward and external stimulation. It's literally how your brain is wired. Neither is better or worse, they're just different. Now, being an introvert as a leader can be a strength. You're reflective, you think before you speak, you listen deeply, you're thoughtful in your decisions. These are all executive level skills. That's introversion. Let's talk about social anxiety now. Because it's different, right? So social anxiety is about fear. Social anxiety is when you avoid or dread social situations because you're afraid of being judged, criticized, embarrassed, or even rejected. It's not about needing to recharge, it's about worrying what people will think of you before, during, and after their interaction. The key word here when we're talking about social anxiety is fear. Now, social anxiety can look like a couple of different things. Maybe you replay conversations in your head for days, analyzing what you said and how it was received. Maybe you avoid speaking up in meetings because you're afraid that you'll sound stupid. Or maybe you decline opportunities for visibility, maybe like presentations or being on panels or participating in leadership programs, but you decline these things because you're terrified of being evaluated. Or social anxiety can show up like you over-preparing for everything because you're trying to control how people perceive you. So your body goes into fight or flight mode when you have to network, when you have to present, or when you have to be in the spotlight. As a leader dealing with social anxiety, having social anxiety, it can hold you back because it makes you avoid the visibility that you need for promotion. It keeps you from speaking up with your ideas. It limits your networking. And over time, it can stall your career, not because you're not capable, but because fear is running the show. So if you have problems or difficulty telling the difference between social anxiety and introversion, here's a simple way to tell them apart. With introversion, you can think of it as I can do the thing, but afterward, I need time alone to recover. With social anxiety, think of it as I'm afraid to do the thing because of what people might think of me. Here's an example. If you're an introvert, you might be saying to yourself, I can give that presentation and I'm gonna do a damn good job. But after, I need an hour of alone time to decompress. If you are dealing with social anxiety, you will be thinking, I am terrified to give that presentation. What if I mess up? What if they think I don't belong here? What if I freeze? See the difference? One is about energy management, which is introversion, and the other social anxiety is about fear and self-doubt. Now let's talk about why many introverts also have social anxiety and why it particularly hits black women leaders harder. A lot of introverts do, in fact, have social anxiety. They are two different constructs, but for many of us, we have both of them and we're dealing with both of them. But there's a reason for that. Society punishes introversion, right? We live in a culture that celebrates extroversion. We see it in our social gatherings, we see it at work. Generally, the world celebrates extroversion. Being quiet or needing alone time and not wanting to constantly socialize, these are seen as weaknesses. So introverts internalize that message and develop anxiety about being judged for who they are. Now, when you're told from childhood that you're too quiet or you need to come out of your shell, you start to believe something is wrong with you. And that shame can develop into social anxiety. Many introverts often feel like they have to fake being extroverted to succeed, especially in leadership. And that pressure also creates anxiety. Now, I'm sure you've heard the term before about masking, and that's when you constantly hide your true personality to fit in. And it's exhausting. Over time, it can create anxiety around being found out or not being good enough as you are. Now, I already mentioned that this hits black women leaders especially hard. So let's talk about why it's more complicated for us. First of all, we many of us deal with the strong black woman stereotype. You are expected to be competent, you are expected to be outspoken, strong, unshakable. That you have social anxiety, well, that feels like you're failing the script. So what do you do? You hide it, you push through it, you don't ask for help, you become uber hyper independent. The other way that it shows up for us as black women is you being the only one in the room. When you're the only black woman or one of a few in your company in the meeting, in a discussion, the stakes feel really high. Every interaction feels like it's representing your entire race and gender. That's not introversion, that's hypervigilance, that's code switching, and that's social anxiety fueled by systemic pressure. Let's not even talk about the microaggressions that so many of us face. When you've been talked to or talked over, questioned, doubted, or dismissed repeatedly, you start to second guess your own self before you even speak. You might be an introvert, but the anxiety is coming from real experiences of being judged and marginalized. And then finally, the visibility trap. You're told you need visibility to advance, but visibility also means exposure. And exposure feels very, very risky when you're already navigating bias and stereotypes. So what happens? You're stuck. You need to be seen to move up, but being seen makes you anxious. This, lady leader, is why it is so important to understand whether you're dealing with introversion, social anxiety, or both, because the strategies for dealing with each are very different. So let's talk about how to tell which one you're dealing with. And let's get really, really practical here because you need to know how to figure out what's actually going on for you. I want you to ask yourself these questions. And we can deal with it like in thinking about it in terms of different situations. So, for example, with networking events, are you thinking, I can network, but I'll need to leave early and decompress at home? That's an introvert way of thinking. Or are you thinking, I am dreading this? What if I say something awkward? What if no one wants to talk to me? What if they think I don't belong here? If so, that is social anxiety thinking. When it comes to meetings that you participate in, right? And particularly speaking up in those meetings, do you think to yourself, I'm gonna share my idea, but I'd rather have thought it out first? I don't love thinking out loud. If so, that is an introvert way of thinking. Or do you more often say, what if my idea is stupid? What if they shoot it down? You know what? I'm just gonna stay quiet and play it safe. If that's what goes on in your head, that is more social anxiety. Now, when it comes to presenting, public speaking, do you think I'll prepare well and deliver this? And afterwards, I'm gonna need some downtime. If so, that is introvert thinking. But if you think, I'm terrified about this presentation, my heart is racing just thinking about it. What if I mess up and everyone judges me? That is definitely social anxiety thinking. When it comes to social interactions, are you thinking to yourself, you know what, that was fine, but I'm tired. I need to, I need to be alone right now. Or are you thinking, did I say something wrong? Do they think I'm weird? I keep replaying everything I said, because the latter is about social anxiety. And finally, how do you feel when you turn down invitations? Do you think, you know what, I need a quiet weekend by myself to recharge my battery? If so, that's an introvert reason. But if you're turning down invitations and you're thinking, I'm just too nervous to go, what if I don't fit in? What if I'm awkward? That is social anxiety reasoning. So here's the pattern that signals social anxiety. You avoid opportunities that could advance your career because you're scared. Or you spend hours and hours ruminating and replaying about social interactions. Or maybe you feel physical symptoms like your heart is racing, you're nauseous, you start sweating before or during social situations. You may even have negative thoughts about how other people perceive you. Or you overprepare to an extreme degree to try to avoid being judged by others. And lastly, you fear your fear is limiting your career growth. If you are nodding along to most of these, you're likely dealing with social anxiety, not just introversion. All right, now that you know what you're dealing with, let's talk about what to do. I'm gonna give you strategies for both because you might be managing one or both. For introverts, what you need to most rely on are energy management tactics. If your main challenge is energy depletion from social interaction, here's how you can lead effectively. You can schedule recovery time, you can bake that into your schedule, right? Block time on your calendar after big meetings or presentations or networking events. Treat it like a real appointment because this isn't laziness, it literally is being strategic about how you manage your energy. Another thing you can do is communicate your needs. You can tell your team, I do my best thinking when I have time to process. Send me the agenda ahead of time so I can come prepared. Or you can decline back-to-back meetings. I need 15 minutes between meetings to be fully present for each one. This was something that I did all of the time. I would not do back-to-back meetings. Well, let me be 100% clear. There was a time in my career where I had no control over my calendar. Everyone else had control over my calendar. So people would put meetings and put them all back to back. I literally would not even have a bathroom break until the end of the day after five o'clock. But then I started to recognize how depleted I was. I couldn't even come one o'clock after being in back-to-back meetings, my brain would stop working. So I realized that, hey, I'm not good to anybody unless I get and bake in some thinking time throughout the day. So what I would do is make any appointment that I put on my calendar 45 minutes, or I would stop it at the 45 minute mark. And any meeting that my executive admin put on my calendar, same thing. You got to give me at least a 10 to 15 minute break between meetings. And that helped so much. It helped me in terms of giving me some time, like even if I didn't need to, you know, use the restroom. It gave me some time to actually decompress after each meeting, as well as mentally prepare for the next one. And it trained my team and my colleagues in terms of what to expect from me. So if you're an introvert, you can manage your energy by scheduling recovery time behind big meetings or presentations, networking events. You can be honest and transparent about your needs for recovery time. You can communicate those needs to your colleagues, your team, your boss, whomever. You could also choose very carefully, very selectively the moments that you want to be visible. You don't have to be at every event. Choose the ones that matter most for your career goals and show up there fully rather than trying to be everywhere for everyone. Think about it in terms of quality over quantity. And then finally, another way that you can leverage your energy and manage your energy more proactively is to leverage your strengths. Use your introvert superpowers, listening, deep thinking, one-on-one relationship building, thoughtful communication. You're already good at all of those things. So you don't have to be the loudest person in the room. You don't have to even be the first person to raise your hand and contribute. Use the things that you're already good at so you can influence through that. You can influence through listening to hear the things that other people will completely miss. You can influence through thinking deeply, contemplating something, truly looking at an issue or a situation from multiple angles where other people are rushing to solution. Use your introvert superpowers. So, what can you do with all of this? Well, this week, I want you to identify one thing that drains your energy unnecessarily and either eliminate it or delegate it to somebody else. Again, you don't have to, nor should you try to do all the things, particularly when they detract from how you can show up as your best self. Okay, so that was all about practical ways that you can manage your energy as an introvert. Now, if you're if you need to deal with social anxiety, what I want you to do is I want you to start thinking about it differently. You need to retrain your brain. And here's a few ways that you can do that. I want you to challenge the thought. So when you catch yourself thinking, everyone will think I'm stupid, but if I speak up, stop and ask, is that true? Like, what is the evidence? Where is the evidence that that is an accurate statement? Most of the time, your fear is based on a story that you've told yourself, not necessarily reality. Now, this is called cognitive behavioral therapy. Your thoughts create your feelings. And if you change the thought, you change the feeling. So you might be having an anxious thought, right? They're all judging me. That's your anxious thought. You can reframe it by telling yourself most people are focused on themselves. They're not critiquing me. And even if someone does judge me, that's their issue, not mine. You might also have another anxious thought, which is if I mess up this presentation, my career is over. The way to reframe that is one presentation doesn't define my entire career. I've succeeded before, for which I have evidence, and I will succeed again. So one way to deal with your social anxiety is to challenge the thought. Another way is to focus on your value, not their judgment. What this means is, and what it looks like, is that you shift your focus from what do they think of me to what value am I bringing? You're in that room because you earned it. You have expertise, you have insight, and you have leadership to offer. A third way that you can deal with your social anxiety is that you can use the five-second rule. When you feel the fear rising up before you speak, I want you to count backwards five, four, three, two, one. Then do it. The counting backwards, what this does is that it interrupts the anxiety spiral before it takes over. So next time that you're in a meeting and you want to speak, but you feel anxious, write down the anxious thought. Then write a reframe. Then speak up anyway, even if your voice shakes. Okay, so we talked about what you can do if you are an introvert and you need to manage your energy. We've also talked about what you can do if you're dealing with social anxiety by cognitive reframing. Lastly, I want to talk about if you feel like you are dealing with both. You're both introverted and you have social anxiety. So whether you're an introvert or you're dealing with social anxiety, one of the best things you can do is build an evidence file. What is an evidence file? You may have heard it referred to in other terminology, but basically it is a document where you can track your wins or positive feedback that you receive from other people, the successful moments that you have in your career, and evidence that you are capable, you are respected, and you do belong. Now, this works because as an introvert, it reminds you that you don't need to be extroverted to be successful. And if you suffer from social anxiety, it counters the negative thoughts by showing you proof that your fears are not true. So your evidence file can include compliments that you've received, projects you've led successfully, promotions or raises you've earned, positive performance reviews, or messages that you get from colleagues thanking you, or it may even include times you've spoken up and it went well, as well as moments you showed up despite your fear. You can use your file before a big meeting or presentation or networking event. You would review your evidence file. Let it remind you of your track record. And here's what I would like you to do: start your evidence file. If you don't have one already, start it this week. Add five things to it right now, even small wins count. Okay, and finally, what I want to talk about is seeking support when you need it. If your social anxiety is significantly impacting your career growth and your quality of life, it might be time to get professional support. Therapy works, and cognitive behavioral therapy particularly is highly effective for social anxiety. A therapist can help you identify your thought patterns, challenge them, and build new skills. Now, getting support is not weakness, it is leadership, specifically self-leadership. You wouldn't ignore a physical injury if you had one. So don't ignore your mental health. There's a couple of different ways that you can find the help that you need. You could ask HR about your employee assistance program. Many companies offer free therapy sessions through their EAP. Or you could look for therapists who specialize in anxiety or who understand the unique experiences of Black women. Or finally, you can go into online therapy platforms like BetterHelp or Talk space because they can be more accessible for introverts. I will also say that for some people, medication might be needed. Medication can help manage the physical symptoms of anxiety while you work on the mental strategies. But what I would encourage you to do is to talk to your doctor first if you're curious about that. Bottom line, lady leader, you do not have to white knuckle your way through your career. There are tools and people and resources who can help. Now, before I wrap up, I want to leave you with this. Whether you're an introvert, whether you're dealing with social anxiety, or both, you can still be an incredible leader. You don't have to become someone you're not. For the introverts who are listening, your quiet strength, your thoughtfulness, your ability to listen and observe, these are all assets, not liabilities. The executive suite needs your leadership style. So don't dim it to fit someone else's mold. For those of you who are listening who suffer from social anxiety, your fear doesn't define you. It's something you're experiencing. It is not who you are. And with the right tools and support, you can move through it and still show up powerfully in your career. And lady leader, if you are carrying both, both introversion and social anxiety, I know it's harder for you. I know you're navigating layers of pressures that others don't have to even think about. I know you're out there code switching, proving yourself and managing bias on top of your own internal challenges. But you deserve to take up space. You deserve the promotions, the leadership roles, the visibility. So don't let fear or exhaustion steal that from you. The truth is you are not too quiet. You are not too anxious. You are not too much or not enough. What you are is a leader, and the world needs you to step into that fully. Okay, lady leader, that is it for today's episode. I really hope that this helped you understand yourself a little better and gave you some tools to lead more authentically and confidently. If this resonated with you, and if you're someone who needs or wants a little help in upping your leadership game and focusing on your career growth despite your dealing with social anxiety, despite being an introvert, then I want you to reach out to me. Let's connect and let's talk about how my coaching program, The Elite Leader Experience, can help you optimize all of your skill sets, all of your traits, and make you the best leader possible. Remember, being an introvert is in your wiring. And if you're dealing with social anxiety, you can heal and grow through it. Either way, you are a leader, you can and will grow your career to the senior leadership and executive ranks. And I will see you in the next episode. Until then, lady leader, keep leading your introvert way. Thanks for tuning in. If you have thoughts, questions, or ideas for future topics, connect and send me a message on LinkedIn. And if you enjoyed today's episode, subscribe and please take a minute to write a quick review on Apple Podcasts. Your review will help spread the word to other ambitious females so they know they're not alone and that this podcast is a community of support for all of us leading her way to the top. Remember, your leadership is needed. Your leadership is powerful. So lead boldly. Until next time.