140: What Black Women Leaders Lose When They Only Chase External Validation

You chose this field for a reason. Do you remember what it was?

In this final episode of the summer series, Dr. Nicole gets personal. She shares the story of how she fell in love with human resources — and how years of overachieving, overperforming, and chasing external validation quietly stole the joy that brought her to the work in the first place. And how she got it back.

This episode is not about working less or caring less. It is about reconnecting with the reason you started — and understanding why joy is not a luxury. It is one of the most powerful leadership assets you have.

Resources mentioned:
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Transcript

Welcome And Who This Is For

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome back to all my OGs who've been riding with me in this podcast from day one. I can't tell you what an honor it is to serve you and this community in this way through this platform. If you've been with me for a while, you've heard the story of me even coming up with this idea, which originally was like way over 10, 15 years ago. And I was just not ready, I think, to just share my voice and put myself out there in such an open way, particularly in these internet streets. But honestly, it's been one of the best decisions I've ever made. And it brings me so much, so much, so much joy, which actually happens to be the topic of today's podcast. But we'll get there in a minute. If you don't know me, my name is Dr. Nicole Bryan, and I am your host of the Leading Her Introvert Way podcast. I'm an executive leadership coach, I'm a psychologist, and I am a Fortune 500 executive. And I created this podcast specifically for you, the ambitious, introverted black woman who knows she's meant for more. On this podcast, we talk about getting you promoted to the executive level, you continuing to grow into the leader that your title requires, and building a team that actually performs. And we do all of that without you having to shrink yourself, pretend to be extroverted, or work your fingers to the bone. Now, if any of this sounds like what you need, then stay tuned. Before we jump into today's episode, especially for those of you who are new here, I want to take a moment to share exactly what we do and who we do it for. I work specifically with ambitious black introverted female leaders. And the work that I do with them centers around three core problems. Problem number one is getting you your executive promotion. Because that path is not always clear and it is almost never handed directly to you. We build the strategy together to get you there. Problem number two is closing the skill gap between being a strong manager or leader and becoming a true executive. Because those two things are very different roles. The transition requires you building new capabilities, developing new ways of thinking, and honestly, in most cases, you developing a new leadership identity. And problem number three is setting up your new team or your new department to make sure that you are high performing and delivering the results that are required. Because getting this executive seat, that's only just the beginning. What you do once you're in that seat determines everything that comes next. Now, if any of those three things describe what your current challenges are, then you are in exactly the right place. So let's jump in today's episode.

Summer Series Recap And The Thread

SPEAKER_00 3:27

Over the past few episodes, we have been on a journey together. And I've been calling this the last three or four episodes the beginning of summer series. We've talked about the seasons of your career and how knowing which season you're in changes everything about how you show up. We talked about why you can't leave yourself at the door and what it costs you when you try. And we talked about protection masquerading as professionalism and how the armor you built for survival may now be keeping you stuck. Those are episodes 137, 138, and 139, respectively.

A Career Built On Real Excitement

SPEAKER_00 4:12

But today we're gonna talk about what lives underneath all of that. Joy. I know. I know what you are thinking. Joy, that is where and what we are ending on. That sounds soft, and that sounds like something for a different kind of podcast. But stay with me for a second because I'm not talking about joy the way it gets used in self-help conversations and self-help books. I'm not talking about gratitude journals or finding the right side of every situation. I'm talking about something much more specific, much more professional, and much more consequential for your career. I'm talking about the joy that you brought here in the first place and what happened to it. So let me tell you a little bit of my story because it's exactly why and what kind of motivated me to create this episode. When I first discovered human resources as a field, I felt like I had found the thing I'd been looking for without knowing I was even looking for it. And what draw me to it was the combination, the intersection. On one side, there was people, their growth, their potential, their ability to do extraordinary things when they were supported and developed and put in the right environment. But on the other side, there was business, the energy of it, the strategy, the movement, the states. Human resources, from my perspective, sat right in the middle of both of those things. And for me, that felt like the best of both worlds. I was so excited, genuinely deeply excited about what I was studying, about what I was learning, about the career I was building, about the difference that I was making. And for a while, I've carried that excitement with me into every job, every organization, every new challenge, until I didn't.

When Drive Turns Into Work Addiction

SPEAKER_00 6:20

So here's what happened. And I'm going to be honest with you in a way that I don't always talk about publicly. Over the course of my career, I navigated a bunch of different types of environments. Global companies like Citibank and Philip Morris, a startup, a nonprofit. And in each one, it brought something new. Each one demanded something different of me. And in every single one of them, I performed. I overperformed. That's what I did. It was who I was. But somewhere along the way, my diligent work ethic, which should have been one of my greatest assets, went into overdrive. What started as drive and ambition and genuine love for the work began to tip into something else. I was becoming addicted to work, not as a metaphor, okay? Literally addicted. And work addiction, if you've been listening to me for a while, you already know it is a real thing. I studied it, I coached around it, I counseled other people as their psychotherapists who suffered from work addiction, and I have lived it personally. And in that season, something happened that I did not even notice at the time. I lost my joy. The excitement I felt when I first discovered human resources, that feeling of this is exactly where I'm supposed to be, was gone. The work was no longer something I wanted to do. It was something I had to do. It was no longer intrinsically rewarding to me. The reward had moved entirely outside of me into the performance ratings, the raises, the recognition, the approval from my boss, my clients, my teams. I was so driven to be chosen, to be rewarded, to be validated, that I had literally handed over my joy to other people to hold. And they didn't even know that they were holding it. Now, I want to say something about that dynamic that I think is really important.

External Validation Replaces Intrinsic Reward

SPEAKER_00 8:40

Many of us talk about companies choosing us. We get recruited, we get selected, we get promoted. And there's a kind of rush that comes with being chosen. I know you know what I'm talking about because the endorphins are real. But here's what I want you to hear. Companies think they choose you, but you, my friend, you lady leader, are the one doing the actual choosing. It's actually very similar to romantic relationships. In a traditional dynamic, the other person may be the one who propose it. Society frames it as them making the move, them doing the choosing. But if you are the woman in that relationship, or if you are the female, if you are the feminine, then particularly if you are a black woman who has always known her worth and her value, you know the damn truth. You led them to you. You decided they were worthy of your yes, and you are the one who can say no. It's the same with a company. They extend the offer, they give the promotion, but you chose to be there. You chose to give your talent, your time, your energy, your creativity, your best thinking to that organization. Your talent is a loan, not a gift. You are loaning it to your company. You are not giving it away. And when I was deep in my work addiction, chasing the next raise, the next rating, the next pat on the back, I had forgotten that. I was acting like my talent belonged to them, like their approval was what determined my work. And in doing that, I had handed over not just my energy, not just my time, but I had handed over my joy. It was only through doing the work, the real work, the personal work, the healing from work addiction, that I got that

Reconnecting With Purpose And Joy

SPEAKER_00 10:46

back. And I want to be clear about what reclaiming your joy is not. It's not deciding your field was wrong for you. It's not blaming the industry or the companies or the bosses, even when some of them absolutely contribute to what you're feeling and what you're experiencing. Reclaiming your joy is about going back to the original thing, the original thing that drew you in before the external reward started running the show, before the performance ratings became the measure of your work, before you started working to be seen instead of working because you loved the work. For me, it meant reconnecting with what I actually loved about people development, about the moment when a client breaks through something that they've been stuck behind for months, about the strategy of building a team that actually performed, about the intersection of human beings and business that felt like my perfect, perfect place when I was 20-something and discovering it for the first time. That thing is still there. It didn't go anywhere. It was just buried under years of chasing the wrong things. And when I stopped chasing the external and started reconnecting with the internal, that's when everything changed. My coaching became better, my leadership became better, my relationships with my clients, internal and external, deepened. The work became rewarding again in a way that it was always supposed to be. Joy is not a luxury. It tells you when you're aligned with your purpose and when you've drifted from it. And when you're joyful in your work, genuinely intrinsically joyful, you lead differently, you show up differently, you make different decisions, you take different risks, you advocate for yourself in a completely different way.

Questions To Find What You Lost

SPEAKER_00 12:53

So let me ask you something directly, lady leader. Do you remember why you chose your field? Not the practical reasons like the salary or the stability or the opportunity, but the real reason, the thing that made you feel like this is where I belong. Is that thing still present for you? Or has it gotten buried under the performance reviews and the organizational politics and the pressures to prove yourself over and over again in rooms that weren't necessarily designed to welcome you? Because if it has gotten buried, that is not a sign that you chose wrong. That's a sign that somewhere along the way, you started working for the wrong thing. And that's fixable, that's recoverable, but you have to name it first. The through line for this entire series has been the same. You've been protecting yourself out of the career that you want. You have been managing your energy, guarding your vulnerability, performing professionalism, and chasing external validation. But in the process, you've also moved further and further away from the thing that was supposed to make all of this worth it. Reclaiming your joy is not about working less necessarily or caring less or lowering your ambition. It's about redirecting your energy back toward the source, back toward the reason, back toward the work itself, and away from the approval that was never yours to chase in the first place. Lady Leader, this is where we land at the end of this summer kickoff series. You are not here by accident. You chose this field, you chose this career, and you chose to show up, to perform, to push, and to grow. And that choice came from somewhere real, from something that excited you and called to you and made you feel like you were exactly where you were supposed to be. Don't let the noise of ambition drown out the signal of joy. They are not in opposition of each other. They are, when you have them aligned, the most powerful combination that you can have. This summer, I want to invite you to do one thing. Find the thread that leads you back to why you started. Pull it. Follow it. See where it takes you.

Quiz Teaser, Coaching Invite, Closing

SPEAKER_00 15:35

Now, before I close, let me just mention two things. First, my free quiz is almost here. It's a quiz that's going to help you pinpoint exactly where you are on your journey to the executive level and what you need to focus on next. I'll be announcing it here first, LinkedIn second, right? And so if you're not following me on LinkedIn yet, find me. You don't want to miss this. Second, if you've listened to this series and something in you recognized yourself in the seasons, in the separation, in the protection, in the lost joy, that recognition is telling you something. And I want to be the person you talk to about it. As I mentioned before, I work with women at every stage of this journey, whether you're working towards your next executive promotion, building the skills and the identity of a senior leader, or you already landed your executive role and you're ready to move strategically and fast. I work in both a coaching and consultative capacity. And the work is some of the most rewarding that I have ever, ever done. If you're ready to have that conversation, then let's jump on a call. The link is in the show notes for you. You already know that something needs to change. Let's figure out exactly what that is, and we can do that together. Thank you so much, Lady Leader, for being on this journey with me. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being the kind of woman who does not just let things happen to her and her career, but who asks the hard questions and does the real work. Until next time, Lady Leader, keep leading your introvert way.